A Plea to End Pineapple on Pizza

Pineapple on pizza is a horribly bold choice that is made every day by ravenous individuals. One might think that it is okay to defile pizza with such cold, yellow chunks; however, this is a crime against the fundamental laws of nature. Pineapple does NOT belong on pizza! I claim such a statement because pizza is meant to be enjoyed as a savory meal that replenishes all the wants and needs of our demanding lives that have burdened us since the day we were born. We as a people deserve to be refreshed with a delicious slice of pizza that isnʼt polluted by fruit-focused delusions of mad men. By nature, sweet is supposed to be consumed with sweet (except for salted caramel) and savory is supposed to be consumed with savory! The addition of pineapple on pizza is nothing more than a guise of trying to be different and unique, but it is nothing more than just plain crazy.

This option to include fruit on pizza is obscene and should never have been outlawed in the first place! As a community, state, and even nation, we must take back the era of pizza before the dawn of pineapple. Now you may think, “Who even invented this wretched sin?”

The man responsible for the creation of this dish is Sotirios “Sam” Panopoulos, who first released the pizza in Ontario! The dish spawns from Canada of all places, even though the name of the dish is literally Hawaiian! I believe a deeper conspiracy is afoot that goes to the very top.

We will not be scared of the opinions of the majority, for we must take back the righteousness of pizza! Even though we may be looked down upon for this separation, we will rally against the jeers of our opposition. As the old saying goes, “It is better to live one day as a lion than one hundred years as a sheep!” Sheep walk among us all, growing accustomed to this abomination in the sixty-four years since its release. I plead with you to wake up, sheeple! Become a lion and fight back!

When life gives you pineapples…you certainly donʼt add them to delectable pizza! All of this is a crime against nature, humanity, and life itself. We must make our stand before it is too late. The need for reform is dire; act now or fall accustomed to the ways of the pineapple.

PLEASE NOTE THAT THIS PIECE IS SATIRE!